Chapter One: Wherein I Fret Over My Accursed Name
My email is info@[redacted].com.
This email was assigned to me by the company, [Redacted] Incorporated. I had no say in the address of this email. My last name is Info.
I asked them, “Please, could you at least change it to n.info@[redacted].com to indicate, if I’m lucky, that this email address goes to a person with a name, Niles Info.”
I continued ranting. “It is not the email address one uses to ask for information. We have a different email address for information requests, and it’s information@[redacted].com. That’s very easy to remember! Though multi-syllabic, the word information is well known across the country! Yet unfathomably, people can only get through the first four letters before they get tired or bored and feel the need to move on to another word or thought. I’m a human being. My last name is Info. It’s not short for anything. It’s Slavic, I think, and I believe partially the result of one of those transliteration errors at Ellis Island all those years ago.”
I tried to become a famous artist but now I’m trapped here working for [Redacted] Incorporated, writing ad copy. I have a theory my art career never took off because whenever anyone tries to websearch my name, they just get information on Niles, Illinois.
My name has ruined my career.
Now, on top of that, all day long, I get emails from people asking me about anything and everything. Because of the nature of this company, people feel it as natural as apples to ask us questions about anything and everything. I have been asked for the current time in Australia, and I have been asked strange questions about reproductive organs. I’ve been asked geography questions and sports history questions. I’ve been asked for local news updates and I’ve been asked for clear facsimiles of classified government documents. It’s driving me crazy. I’m just a man! I’m just a man named Info!
Chapter 2: Wherein I Honor My Email Address to the God of Mischief